the Christian life is hard.

I think that I'm entering into a new phase of understanding faith.

It requires quiet endurance. Life is not always exciting. It repeats itself. Sometimes we are tempted with the same things, over and over. Sometimes we are tried with the same things we faced a few years ago--or 8 years ago. God knows where we need to be tested and refined. . . over and over. There is no fooling him.
Tonight the sermon at church was on Romans 7. The "do-do" passage. "Get it?" says the guy next to me. "It's a joke. About poop."  I keep quite good company here in Prague.

The preacher speaks. The passage speaks. And suddenly, I can see it with new eyes--how the law does make us aware of our sin, and our fallen minds take it as a challenge to transgress. But we have died. We were crucified with Christ. And when one partner in the marriage dies, they are no longer bound by the same rules. So it is with us and the law. We died, and are no longer subject to this rule. We are spiritual people, subject to the Spirit. Yet. We have a base of sin nature, from which we are constantly attacked. Hm. There is a battle, in which we do what we do not want to do. But. The only thing that we need to be wary of is giving up the fight.

I double-dipped on sermons today. I listened to Tim Keller talk about Leah and Jacob. Poor Leah--all she wanted was to be loved by Jacob. She tried to satisfy him by world standards: she bore three boys, all after which she said, "He'll love me now!" but it just wasn't true. Jacob was blinded by his own disappointments and desires. Leah couldn't earn his love. But finally, after she bore her fourth son, she learned to rejoice in the Lord.  She had called out to Him the whole time, but it took four sons to learn the lesson. After that she rested, and bore no more. Her worth and well-being was no longer in her child-bearing capabilities. It was in the God of her forefathers, who promised Salvation. He chose Leah, in all her weakness and misery and homeliness, to be in the line of our Savior.

In summary. The Christian life is a series of endless challenges, in which we battle the desires of our sin nature by calling out to God in order that we will really discover that what the world has to offer is only cosmic disappointment. God alone satisfies, and every struggle serves to point to our true treasure. 

living water, fresh start

We had some visitors from Texas at our school a few weeks ago, and it was a refreshing reminder to us of who God is. Monte and her posse (as they were affectionately called by our school counselor Lori) came by the invitation of my dear friend Kristine, and ever since then I've felt lighter and closer to the Lord. So here's a written reflection from the dealings of my heart:

1. Our God is extravagant. God brought four women from Texas to minister to us for about 4 days. And yet, I am so grateful that they came because interacting with them and getting prayer from them really has helped me in my faith walk. God is not limited by money or time, and He doesn't make decisions based on those things. He sees needs and meets it, regardless of how we humans might balance worth and costs of operation. Money is not an issue for Him, nor logistics and the other things of man. He is unrestrained by these constructs and limits we foresee with human eyes.

2. God hears us when we pray. I was convicted of being double-minded in my prayers--doubting and worrying that God wouldn't answer or that I needed to have an extra dose of belief when talking to Him, or that I really had to mean it and feel it with my emotions in order to get an answer.  Well, it turns out that the only thing I can do is acknowledge my frailty and lack of control, and believe on His character and the surety of His words. I can't trust the strength of my belief, or my emotions. But it doesn't rely on me, it's all God's work! All I can do is pray as the man, asking for healing on behalf of his daughter, prayers: "I believe, Lord. Help my unbelief!" I agree with you, Lord. Now I ask for an experience of your power so that I will believe it deeply. Believe on Him and what He has said, and therein will your assurance be.

3. Life is so much better when lived for God. Being only a year removed from college graduation and being single, I tend to forget that my life is not about me. I have my ambitions, and I have my plans, and I can assure you that not all of them are God-given. I am good about making myself miserable sometimes by planning my own future. Dying to self is a continuous practice, and when we get out of this practice, it is quite painful to get back into the habit. This is a reason that God likens it to dying. I have felt the sting of death over the past month or two; but I have also felt the victory that comes when He helps me to refocus my heart on His heart and His reality. It strengthens my purpose and mission. It allows me to truly minister to others and know that God is working through and in every detail.

4. God knows how to give good gifts to His children. If God gives good gifts to those who don't know him, how much more does he desire to give to those who have given up themselves for the sake of His Kingdom? What one of us won't receive a hundredfold, and in the age to come, eternal life?

Just a few thoughts for your sabbath ruminating.

Recently God denied me something my heart deeply desired. I had been in denial for months, living a dichotomous reality in regards to the existence of this longing. Sometimes I would embrace it fully, and sometimes I would conceal the possibility, call it a pipe dream--strive for its disposal and accept its absurdity. These reactions are especially true of me toward those things I have been denied in the past. One becomes less bold in asking for them when each experience is said and done. I know the last page so well, i can't read the first /so i just don't start /it's getting worse. 

A few weeks ago I told God.  I want this. I want this.  I embraced it. Oh, let me add, I want this, even if it's not the best thing for me. I want the experience. I want to know what it's like. I want to learn from it.  And waited. Sometimes, I think we fool ourselves into thinking that it's only if we really want something God will give it to us. If we don't want it enough, God knows and He doesn't give it. My first experience with prayer was exactly this. I remember, blond-haired Alexander Whitney Folker from first grade. Maybe he was my first love (although not confessed). And I remember being captivated by his presence among the students. He was fun. He rallied people around him. We were good friends. I prayed to God every night, that even though Alex knew his military family were only stationed in Vermont for a short time, that God would reverse it and make it so that Alex would live in Vermont forever. Yet, I knew their destinies were determined already. So, I prayed. I prayed half-heartedly. But I don't know if I've ever prayed any prayer for a longer amount of time--years--than I prayed that prayer. And by fourth grade, Alexander Folker was gone from my life. I knew my prayer wouldn't be answered. Or, more correctly, I was afraid to hope.
~
So I hoped in the last few weeks, for a more recent situation. God did not let me hope long. I received a very clear No.


In the face of infinite loss.

Daddy, I want this. Daddy, I want this. No. I hate you! {Slams the door to the room. The toddler runs, screaming and crying into her room, collapses on the floor, head in the crook of her arm} No! I WANT IT! IT'S NOT FAIR! {Daddy sits in the living room, reading his paper, reclined with his knee bent over the other. He chuckles.} She'll be okay. 

I don't always want what God desires, It occurred to me, outside the door of flat Chodska 1123/17, that my desires, as according to Lewis, are not too strong. They are too weak. They are weak because they are selfish.

But here comes the real experience. The Most Real Experience any mere human could hope for. For reality is not merely sleeping and waking. It is not moving across the world, and feasting one's eyes on the finite. It is the moment when one decides to reverse the answer of our First Parent's, and direct it in light of the Eternal. It is this great drama that has been played out since the beginning of time. It is the moment when one realizes that everything else is lost for the sake of the kingdom. As you wish as you wish as you wish said Westley to Buttercup. Change me, make me desire what you desire.  

God, I don't want to give myself over to you. I want what I want. Wrench my will from my hands for yourself. How obstinate is the one that still wants what has clearly been denied from her.

I left the flat. I walked down the streets of the Czech Republic. I realize that there is someone else out there getting what I wanted, probably because he or she needs it more. I pray for the person. I pray they will be made beautiful, over and over. I pray that this experience will sanctify them. I rejoice that they received what I couldn't have. I get into my room. I tear-up. Look at what He's doing.

For the moment is not when Isaac is received back from the altar. It's not when the drug addict who has been separated from his wife returns. It's not when someone near death is brought back to life. It's the moment in which the child whispers I obey, no matter what the consequences. Isaac eventually dies, the miracle ultimately gets lost in the mundane cycle of life. Lazarus suffers a second death. But a true I obey is never reversed; it echoes in eternity.

Last night Emilie and I went to Zdenek and Martina's place just a little bit outside of the city limits. They are a Czech couple from the church plant I have been attending with Emilie in the Suchdol area of Prague. It was a really marvelous night, one that you wish you could live more often. We had really good conversation with them both, and heard about their lives abroad in London and America. God has brought them through so much!

Where to begin. Their lives are much too full to share in a blog post, but to highlight some of the amazing things that they shared . . . Here were two people, living behind the wall in Communist Czechoslovakia--an area closed to the outside world--who then were brought to London so that Zdenek could study on a Fulbright. With their stipened, the only way they could afford to stay was through the generosity of a couple in London who transcended societal norms and allowed Zdenek and Martina to live with them for the whole year. They came back to the CZR, but then soon after went to America where they were scraping by on a Fulbright again. Martina looked for a job in despair because for a whole year she could not find suitable employment, and she was about to succumb to bagging groceries. After a night of tears and prayers a company looking for a computer programmer calls her. She accepted the job and was met with one difficult feat after another, but God's provision, along wither her talent and work ethic, led her into jobs with major companies and allowed Zdenek to keep studying. (We're talking access to the company card, and a branch of the firm being located in the World Trade Center.*) The Fulbright requires its recipients to return to their home country for a few years after they finish their studies, so after Zdenek finished studying they headed back to the CZR with the expectation that they would come back to America. God had other plans for them, so here they are in the CZR with the intention of staying. Needless to say, I am so grateful that they are here!

It was so good to have fellowship with them last night and hear about God's provision in their lives through so many trials and experiences. It has made me reflect on the moments when life becomes a clear reality, not a hazy movie I am watching without truly participating in; a genuine reality where I am aware of God's presence and my status as His beloved, and am reminded of my mission in this world to live out His Ideal. I think this only happens under a few circumstances: when you decide to will one thing--to love God and your neighbor--and the community you find yourself with is in agreement. This has happened perfectly for an extended period only a few times in my life--the summer I was 17 and the summer I was 21**. The moments in which I am reminded of His Ideal are sweet and precious drops of gold, which serve to push me forward in the great seeking out of the Kingdom. Praise God for such mercies as these in the midst of evil days.


 *Martina herself went there once a year for a company conference. She remembers distinctively asking her boss, "Aren't you afraid something might happen?" in April 2001. He said, "No, of course not. It's locked-down safe." Fortunately, only a few people she knew who worked for the company died because of their work hours being later in the day.
I must add that when she told me these stories of rags to riches and the experience of 9/11, I felt like her and Zdenek were more American than I.
**It has happened at other points as well, but these stand out as the highest--the perfect examples. Compass & YHM part II.

Tonight was fantastic.

I'd been beating around the bush in regard to taking a Czech class outside of the CISP community. The reason for the switch was because I needed to have the class twice a week, and I really needed to talk  from off the top of my head more. My grammar skills are fine, but my speaking skills need to catch-up. (Ah, theory before praxis--Czech is just one microcosmic example of how this plays out in my life story). So I visited this class just a few tram stops away from my house. It's cheap, it's low-key, and the people in it are interesting. I'm the single American in the bunch--Finnish, Israeli, Scottish, German, Japanese (and maybe a French guy?) make up the rest of the class.

You don't need to experience it to know it, but English is language of the empire. We went out after Czech class to a place nearby, and it was so interesting to hear all of them speak English. If we didn't have English as a common base, no Czech learning would get done. Nor any other discussion. In a situation like that, it is weird to have the privilege of being a native English speaker. For most of the group, English is their second language. Yet, that is the language you must have to function in a foreign setting in a good portion of the world. So as a native, I'm set, even when I travel to distant lands. But in many cases, I think it's a real pity that there is so little emphasis given to learning another language in English speaking countries. It feeds the egocentric mindset that most Americans are already so prone to. And, missionaries don't have such a good wrap when it comes to going abroad, because they can sometimes take with them an imperialistic mindset. So those are two strikes I see myself potentially coming up against.

Tonight I caught my peers off guard when I told them I was American. They thought that I must be German or French from looking at me. When I shared that I worked at a Christian International school, they didn't get weird. They thought it was interesting that I taught Bible. And the Finnish guy asked me to "speak Bible" to him. I didn't really get what he was asking. So I threw in some favorite Evangelical lingo -- "Accept Jesus into your heart!" But apparently that wasn't what he was looking for, so I quoted some scripture -- "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will make your paths straight." I guess that wasn't quite what he was looking for either, but I think the Israeli was cool with it.

And that was it. The conversation flowed naturally on, through politics, economics, language, living in foreign places, asking questions about the many different lands represented at the table.

So now we have a basis to continue to have discussion and conversation from, Lord willing. Who knows what He will do with you when you make yourself available to something as simple as a Czech class outside your usual bubble.

Long Overdue

Friends, Family, Followers of Christ --

Time goes by much faster than I would like it to. Before you can blink, you've experienced the excitement of classes, learning Czechholidays, Czech traditions, a new year, stress, struggle, growth, resolutions, new ideas, old thought patterns, sin, the Gospel, students, relapse, snow, buying groceries, visitors, fellowship, irony, monotony, loneliness, weird missionaries, kind Czechs, the frustration of a lack of discipline, broken resolutions, back rubs, being too hard on yourself, attempting to read Kierkegaard, relationships (or lack thereof), church, disillusionment, works righteousness, Christian bubbles, coffee dates, conversion rate drop, (avoiding) Ikea, loans, impatience, bad humor, black humor, czech films, another project, another class lesson, playing saxophone in pit band for the musical "Bye-Bye Birdie", crafts, chapel, roommates, paying rent, paying internet, sledding in Riegrovy Sady.

Being part of a beautiful, messed-up world.

At the school, we kicked-off a new semester a few weeks ago. For me, a new semester hasn't meant too many changes all at once, but definitely a few coming up. Right now, I'm teaching wisdom literature to my 6th graders, Luke to my 7th graders, and romanticism poetry to my sophomore English class. So I've been learning quite a bit about many different things, reconnecting with my love for literature, and finding an appreciation for poetry that I didn't know I had. I may pick up the responsibilities of teaching another English class, tutoring after school, a Czech class twice a week, and assistant school chaplain. But I'm praying about all these things at the moment.

Love for the finer things in life requires some discipline.

I admit that I have and still do struggle with perfectionism.  I am too hard on myself for not getting things done. Paradoxically, I can be lazy and give myself too much lenience when I don't do certain things. Those of you who understand can empathize. Those of you who do not experience the world this way, you can call me crazy.

I do love teaching. It really is wonderful to be learning to teach at a Christian school. I recently talked with a friend here about teaching at an international school for missionary kids, and she reminded me of the importance of the work that is done here. Discipleship is important. So important. It is a day-in-and-day-out witness of being a Christian to kids who live on the most atheistic continent on the planet. Right now the school is working on its accreditation with the Czech Republic.  Please pray for the CZ government to recognize this school as a legitimate learning center. My heart and the heart of so many of the teachers here is to reach the Czech people as well, and until the school is recognized, this won't happen. Right now the application and the curriculum is in the hands of the ministry of education, and they are looking it over and making decisions. Until they make a "yes" decision for the school, it severely limits Czech attendance. The school has only been around for 8 years, so it takes time for anything new to grow and develop. But the quicker it's accredited, the more people we'll be able to reach with the gospel.

The school has a revamped website --- www.cisprague.org. Czech it out!

One thing I could use your prayers for is my loan situation. I am currently in the process of applying for a scholarship from my alma mater that would pay off my loan debt. The trade off is that I will be on the mission field for four years (I'm not sure if this year will count). Please pray in regards to this. I'm not intimidated by four years on the field, and I think it would help to offer the school more stability (as well as myself. I'm not thrilled with the idea of bouncing between occupations every two years) and make it a more legitimate, well-rounded experience, as well as afford me the ability to invest more fully in the people around me. Of course, this is important to consider with you, prayer and financial supporters, because you are the means by which God makes this happen. The deadline for this application is March 1st.

Finally, a verse which was inspirational to me this week, and oh-so-important for remembering the Gospel message:

I am not ashamed of the gospel, because it is the power of God that brings salvation to everyone who believes . . . For in the gospel the righteousness of God is revealed--a righteousness that is by faith from first to last, just as it is written: "The righteous will live by faith."

The Gospel, that offers salvation to everyone, despite our flaws and failures; a salvation that is not dependent on our works. A God that is not dependent on what we do or don't do. A God who only asks -- will you believe that I love you this much? Will you believe that I love you this much? Will you believe that I love you this much? And the only real sin is not believing in that love. Not believing that you are good enough for that love. Believing you are too good for that love. Who knowingly rejects love? Only those who don't know that this is the core of God's message.

Blessings
Becca