Recently God denied me something my heart deeply desired. I had been in denial for months, living a dichotomous reality in regards to the existence of this longing. Sometimes I would embrace it fully, and sometimes I would conceal the possibility, call it a pipe dream--strive for its disposal and accept its absurdity. These reactions are especially true of me toward those things I have been denied in the past. One becomes less bold in asking for them when each experience is said and done. I know the last page so well, i can't read the first /so i just don't start /it's getting worse.
A few weeks ago I told God. I want this. I want this. I embraced it. Oh, let me add, I want this, even if it's not the best thing for me. I want the experience. I want to know what it's like. I want to learn from it. And waited. Sometimes, I think we fool ourselves into thinking that it's only if we really want something God will give it to us. If we don't want it enough, God knows and He doesn't give it. My first experience with prayer was exactly this. I remember, blond-haired Alexander Whitney Folker from first grade. Maybe he was my first love (although not confessed). And I remember being captivated by his presence among the students. He was fun. He rallied people around him. We were good friends. I prayed to God every night, that even though Alex knew his military family were only stationed in Vermont for a short time, that God would reverse it and make it so that Alex would live in Vermont forever. Yet, I knew their destinies were determined already. So, I prayed. I prayed half-heartedly. But I don't know if I've ever prayed any prayer for a longer amount of time--years--than I prayed that prayer. And by fourth grade, Alexander Folker was gone from my life. I knew my prayer wouldn't be answered. Or, more correctly, I was afraid to hope.
~
So I hoped in the last few weeks, for a more recent situation. God did not let me hope long. I received a very clear No.
In the face of infinite loss.
Daddy, I want this. Daddy, I want this. No. I hate you! {Slams the door to the room. The toddler runs, screaming and crying into her room, collapses on the floor, head in the crook of her arm} No! I WANT IT! IT'S NOT FAIR! {Daddy sits in the living room, reading his paper, reclined with his knee bent over the other. He chuckles.} She'll be okay.
I don't always want what God desires, It occurred to me, outside the door of flat Chodska 1123/17, that my desires, as according to Lewis, are not too strong. They are too weak. They are weak because they are selfish.
But here comes the real experience. The Most Real Experience any mere human could hope for. For reality is not merely sleeping and waking. It is not moving across the world, and feasting one's eyes on the finite. It is the moment when one decides to reverse the answer of our First Parent's, and direct it in light of the Eternal. It is this great drama that has been played out since the beginning of time. It is the moment when one realizes that everything else is lost for the sake of the kingdom. As you wish as you wish as you wish said Westley to Buttercup. Change me, make me desire what you desire.
God, I don't want to give myself over to you. I want what I want. Wrench my will from my hands for yourself. How obstinate is the one that still wants what has clearly been denied from her.
I left the flat. I walked down the streets of the Czech Republic. I realize that there is someone else out there getting what I wanted, probably because he or she needs it more. I pray for the person. I pray they will be made beautiful, over and over. I pray that this experience will sanctify them. I rejoice that they received what I couldn't have. I get into my room. I tear-up. Look at what He's doing.
For the moment is not when Isaac is received back from the altar. It's not when the drug addict who has been separated from his wife returns. It's not when someone near death is brought back to life. It's the moment in which the child whispers I obey, no matter what the consequences. Isaac eventually dies, the miracle ultimately gets lost in the mundane cycle of life. Lazarus suffers a second death. But a true I obey is never reversed; it echoes in eternity.
A few weeks ago I told God. I want this. I want this. I embraced it. Oh, let me add, I want this, even if it's not the best thing for me. I want the experience. I want to know what it's like. I want to learn from it. And waited. Sometimes, I think we fool ourselves into thinking that it's only if we really want something God will give it to us. If we don't want it enough, God knows and He doesn't give it. My first experience with prayer was exactly this. I remember, blond-haired Alexander Whitney Folker from first grade. Maybe he was my first love (although not confessed). And I remember being captivated by his presence among the students. He was fun. He rallied people around him. We were good friends. I prayed to God every night, that even though Alex knew his military family were only stationed in Vermont for a short time, that God would reverse it and make it so that Alex would live in Vermont forever. Yet, I knew their destinies were determined already. So, I prayed. I prayed half-heartedly. But I don't know if I've ever prayed any prayer for a longer amount of time--years--than I prayed that prayer. And by fourth grade, Alexander Folker was gone from my life. I knew my prayer wouldn't be answered. Or, more correctly, I was afraid to hope.
~
So I hoped in the last few weeks, for a more recent situation. God did not let me hope long. I received a very clear No.
In the face of infinite loss.
Daddy, I want this. Daddy, I want this. No. I hate you! {Slams the door to the room. The toddler runs, screaming and crying into her room, collapses on the floor, head in the crook of her arm} No! I WANT IT! IT'S NOT FAIR! {Daddy sits in the living room, reading his paper, reclined with his knee bent over the other. He chuckles.} She'll be okay.
I don't always want what God desires, It occurred to me, outside the door of flat Chodska 1123/17, that my desires, as according to Lewis, are not too strong. They are too weak. They are weak because they are selfish.
But here comes the real experience. The Most Real Experience any mere human could hope for. For reality is not merely sleeping and waking. It is not moving across the world, and feasting one's eyes on the finite. It is the moment when one decides to reverse the answer of our First Parent's, and direct it in light of the Eternal. It is this great drama that has been played out since the beginning of time. It is the moment when one realizes that everything else is lost for the sake of the kingdom. As you wish as you wish as you wish said Westley to Buttercup. Change me, make me desire what you desire.
God, I don't want to give myself over to you. I want what I want. Wrench my will from my hands for yourself. How obstinate is the one that still wants what has clearly been denied from her.
I left the flat. I walked down the streets of the Czech Republic. I realize that there is someone else out there getting what I wanted, probably because he or she needs it more. I pray for the person. I pray they will be made beautiful, over and over. I pray that this experience will sanctify them. I rejoice that they received what I couldn't have. I get into my room. I tear-up. Look at what He's doing.
For the moment is not when Isaac is received back from the altar. It's not when the drug addict who has been separated from his wife returns. It's not when someone near death is brought back to life. It's the moment in which the child whispers I obey, no matter what the consequences. Isaac eventually dies, the miracle ultimately gets lost in the mundane cycle of life. Lazarus suffers a second death. But a true I obey is never reversed; it echoes in eternity.
